A Child Never Held

We have been blessed with two amazing children. Our son now twenty, we adopted and he came to us when he was three days old. Our daughter we gave birth to four and a half years later, she will be sixteen this year. We couldn’t be happier with how things have worked out for us and our children.

It wasn’t an easy road for our family. There were many years of disappointment and heartbreak, endless tests and surgeries and doctors appointments. Days in a fog, sleepless nights and our days and nights were accompanied by frustration and tears. Eight years of creating charts, tracking temperatures, and negative test after negative test.

There is a connection, an image in your mind, a dream of a future that you have with a child you are trying to conceive. There are tiny foot prints on your heart and soul of a child that you will never see, that you will never hold, that you will never hear.

We would walk the malls, always aware of every neglected child even if for a moment. We would look to each other knowing we asked the same question “ How could they take their gift for granted?” .

How often do you notice a pregnant woman walking on the street, in the mall, at work, when you are waiting month to month for a positive result you notice every single one of them.

The silent pain and expected acceptance of others joy with their new additions was heart breaking. Being invited to baby showers, or worse, asked to help organize, would bring on tears and a pain in the heart you were sure would never heal. You don’t understand why no one sees your pain but you don’t feel like it’s something you can talk about. Making kids isn’t a real problem, who can’t make a kid?

“ When are you starting your family?” “ Don’t you want to have kids” “ What are you waiting for?” “ Maybe you should try…” How those questions cut so deep. They only wanted to know, to help, they had no idea how much those questions hurt.

There is a fifteen percent chance of conceiving a child for a normal healthy couple. How hard can it be, any idiot can make a kid, kids are having kids.

Why can’t we do this?

There were support groups, but joining and participating was accepting and giving up on your dream. They say ”there is always a chance”, ”it happened to a friend“, ”I heard of someone that when then stopped trying“. You try to explain, you know the numbers, you know how often it doesn’t happen, eighty five percent of of the time it doesn’t happen.

We made the decision that we could be a family as a couple without kids. We could focus on our house and travel. We could buy a new car every other year. Even the empty dreaming could never really convince us that a life as a couple without children would be as fulfilling as a family with kids.

We have been blessed with two amazing children. Our son now twenty, we adopted and he came to us when he was three days old. Our daughter we gave birth to four and a half years later, she will be sixteen this year. We couldn’t be happier with how things have worked out for us and our children.

Life became busy and full with our family, those days of struggling with infertility, the unknown and disappointment seems so far away now. There are moments when we reflect on those days and we are so grateful for the two wonderful gifts we have received.

There was a child in our hearts, in our dreams, who was never born, who was never held, who never had a chance at a future, who never received a name.
There is a child that was loved only in our thoughts, that will never be forgotten, our child.

66 thoughts on “A Child Never Held

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  1. <3 I am SO happy that everything worked out. I love that there are options of families to have children of their own. So happy for you.

  2. I’m so incredibly sorry for the struggles you went through. I went through 3 and a half years of infertility before finally conceiving. Each month was so painful and I felt like my baby was just out of reach and I couldn’t get to her. The torture was heartbreaking. When I finally got pregnant and had my baby girl who I’d dreamed about for years, I could hardly believe it. But I also felt so scared that something would happen to her that would take her from me. Thankfully, she stayed healthy and I had a second baby girl. They are now 11 and 13.

    My heart goes out to all the women who struggle with infertility. It’s so unfair.

  3. So beautifully written! I’m so glad you shared your story! This is such an important topic to talk about.

  4. This is such an inspiring story. You’ve written it beautifully. Glad your family come together. Wish you a happy 2019.

  5. It is very important to talk about that to share such stories. I do hope I will never have such moment in my life.
    My best friend was struggling for 7 years and even lost an unborn child due to development issues, I didn’t know what to do and what to say

  6. Wow such as inspirational story sometimes life gives though times for you to be strong person I don’t have family yet but this story touches me. You are blessed with your kids 🙂

  7. That’s a beautiful (and sad) story! I have such a hard time relating to my friends who really want kids and have a hard time conceiving, this helps me understand them a bit more. Thank you for sharing!

  8. I understand some people mean well when they ask questions like that. However, I wish they could understand how hurtful it can be, especially if someone is experiencing infertility.

  9. What a beauitful story. As a mother of two myself, this piece is so powerful. Being a parent is such a blessing and it is important to treat every child like a gift!

  10. As a mother of 3, this post is beautiful! You shared your story so eloquently.

    And I can remember when we were trying and waiting, always – ALWAYS seeing pregnant women. You never notice them until it’s all you’re consumed with, right?

  11. Infertility is such a difficult experience. One of the hardest I’ve faced. Thank you for so eloquently sharing your journey.

    1. We see infertility all around us, it is in movies about adoption, we hear about a friend of a friend. Its just a distant annoyance that some people deal with, it will never affect me. I guess it is like most of life’s challenges until you have lived it you can not understand the pain and hardship. Thank you for your comment Be Strong.

  12. Thank you for the sentiment. I can imagine the pain from those comments and how they can stay with you. Our son has autism and requires a pretty regulated structure routine to his day. often those around us had difficulty understanding this and questioned our parenting skills, hell we did most of the time. He has graduated high school on the “normal” track with 3 languages and is now looking for work, so I guess we did ok. How we Parent and Grow our Families is a Personal Choice, if its planned or we let nature take its course, that is our decision. If you have the Love and the energy for more then the average 2.5 kids, good on you.

  13. I'm sorry for your pain earlier in your life, but happy you have the children you eventually were blessed with – one way or another. I've heard the comments from the other side, actually, because of having four kids. Two kids were fine and almost considered “normal” – but with each additional pregnancy, hubby and I got comments like, “You're pregnant again?” “Was this planned or an accident?” “Two/three isn't enough?” People should really mind their own business!

  14. Making a baby is supposed to be so easy and expected. The pressures and disappointments we put on our selves because of something we think we are supposed to do can be so damaging to the spirit.

  15. Thank you. Our lives are a journey and the path we take is the one that will lead us to where we should be. We wouldn’t have what we do now if it wasn’t for that journey. We are ok with that.

  16. Thanks Christa Anne. Your right, no one intentionally want to hurt another. Unless we say that we are in pain it can be difficult for those around us to see it. We put on the brave face and hid our pain for years, until this story was post

  17. It has given us a unique perspective. We have an open adoption which means we know the birth family and have contact with them. Unless we say something people are surprised that one of the children was adopted.

  18. This is so beautifully written post and really interesting. Struggling is very needy and useful for us. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.xo Corinahttps://unbouquetdamour.com/plaids/VA of Corina Culeva

  19. I know that infertility is very tolling! Thank you for sharing your story. As a mother I can only imagine how much pain your family dealt with to get where you are! Stay strong!

  20. I agree 100% with your thoughts. It pains me when I see kids in public being treated like objects, like they are worthless, by their parents. It just creates more of this terrible behavior in the future generations when the kids never learn the right away to do things or treat others. It's a shame that so many children are born in the world unwanted when people who actually want kids struggle to have them. Your post has definitely gotten me thinking today!

  21. Thank you for sharing the story of your family. Oftentimes, well-meaning people say the wrong things. I think this post will be a comfort for those who need it.

  22. Thanks for sharing your touching story. I have had a miscarriage and it was devastating. I eventually had a daughter and a son and I am so thankful for having them in my life,

  23. There is no reason for us to know how someone is feeling about their challenges. The expectations sometimes are to high. That being said it is ok for us to open a discussion to let the important people around us in and let them know what our challenges are. It’s ok to ask for help.

  24. I commend you for publishing this. Society puts so much pressure on women and having children. It’s not that easy for everyone. I’m glad you were able to still start a family and get to enjoy motherhood. Many Blessings,Danyal Kelly

  25. I've unfortunately always been one of the people to slip and say all of those things that hurt. They come out of my mouth before I can stop myself but I mean for it to be positive and as soon as they leave my lips, I'm scolding myself. I'm sorry on behalf of all of us and I'm sorry that you are experiencing this.

  26. I understand the struggle all to well, and this was so beautifully written. My husband and I have been trying for 6 years, and it is so hard seeing other getting pregnant time after time, and especially those who neglect or beat their children. We are starting the adoption path now, and while we are going for 3-5 years old instead of an infant, we can't want to love whatever child is placed in our home and become parents

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